


Baby Caribou

by Wingittofreedom



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Fanart, Fluff and Crack, Humor, M/M, watching planet earth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-05 05:30:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16361771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wingittofreedom/pseuds/Wingittofreedom
Summary: Jim wants Spock and Bones to be friends. They want out. A story of truth, lies and revenge.





	1. in which everyone gets exactly what they deserve

“Come on! You can do it little guy!” McCoy yells, spilling his beer on himself and not noticing, his eyes fixed on the screen where an arctic wolf chases a caribou calf across the tundra.

“Doctor, it is illogical to take the part of either party,” says Spock in a stuffy voice. “Not only have these events already transpired but if you were to try to prevent the deaths of all prey animals, you would condemn their predators to starvation, thus resulting in mass extinction and consequent catastrophic environmental destabilization.” Spocks voice is measured but his eyes are wide as they track the progress of the calf with unblinking focus.

“You cold blooded hobgo—“

“Come on Bones, let’s try to keep the _blatant_ xenophobia to a low simmer this evening, shall we?” Jim says lazily.

“Thank you Captain, the Doctor is being most illo—“

“And I'll thank you to stop you goading him,” says Jim, turning to raise his eyebrows rudely at Spock. “Come on guys, doesn’t this sort of remind you of that time on Vega VII?” Jim says with a fond smile.

“Captain, if you mean the instance in which you accidentally consumed a variant of the Venus drug* during a diplomatic event and were subsequently—“

“No! Ugh, no Spock,” Jim says, shuddering “I meant after that, when we escaped—I mean left—the event, and that radical anti-Federation religious sect tried to ambush us and we didn’t have our phasers so we just—“

“If you’re saying Spock looks like a baby caribou I’m going to have to agree with you, the ears in particular—“

“Bones! What did I say about xeno—AGHHHHHHHH!” All three scream simultaneously as the caribou trips and is pounced on by the wolf. McCoy covers his face and groans loudly, Jim leaps up as if to spring into action and Spock remains frozen, eyes wide and mouth open in shock.

Jim is the first to regain composure, breathing out and turning back to Spock and Bones. When he sees their faces he bursts out laughing.

As if on cue, McCoy and Spock jump up from the couch McCoy yelling “Jim! You insensitive jerk! That caribou just died!” at the same time that Spock says sternly “Captain, you are behaving most inappropriately. Loss of life is never humorous.”

Jim looks from one to the other, eyes wide and apologetic, and then breaks into another fit of giggles.

“You’re insane!” Bones rages, “I’m declaring you unfit for duty on grounds of moral insanity! That anyone could laugh like that at the death of a baby! Jeepers, and to think I slept a foot away from you for three years!”

“Captain, the Doctor is correct. Your behavior is most disturbing.” Spock says looking accusingly at Jim.

“Ha, hnn—it’s just that—heee!—you two—never agree!” Jim struggles to explain his deep insight through the laughter he can’t stop, wiping away tears as he looks at his two best friends. “You should have seen your—pffffFFft—faces! Who knew that you both secretly identify with small baby animals.”

This is the last straw.

Bones’ yells incoherently as he tackles Jim to the floor, Jim kicking, screaming with delight on the way down.

“Mutiny! Sabotage! Help!” Jim yells with glee.

“Spock help me hold him down! He clearly needs to be restrained,” Bones shouts while working to pin Jim’s flailing legs.

Spock, who privately agrees with the Doctors sound reasoning and expert opinion, wastes no time securing the Captain’s arms.

Jim finally stops thrashing as Bones sits on his legs.

“Okay, you win guys. Let me up.” Jim whines, trying to squirm his way to freedom.

“I don’t think we should Spock, do you?”

“No, Doctor. The Captain has shown himself to be dangerously unstable.”

“Come on guys let me up! Spock—babe, this isn’t funny!”

Spock and McCoy ignore him.

“What should we do with him? We could lock him in that supply closet down the hall,” McCoy suggests reasonably.

“What!? No!—"

“No Doctor," Spock says levelly, "his screams would alert the crew, thus ensuring his rapid release. Perhaps now would be an appropriate time to bargain for a new set of scanning electron microscopes for the medical and science labs.”  
  
“Spock! You too? What?!” Jim sputters “No way! Those things cost an arm and a leg!”

Bones grins alarmingly. “Right you are Mr. Spock! Okay Jim, you’re not getting up till we’ve got your word of honor on those SEM’s.”

“I’ll never give in! You can’t make me!” Jim shouts, rebellious fervor covering up the real fear he is beginning to feel. “I can stay here forever! See if I care! Just you w—”

“He is ticklish.” Spock says.

For a second, the room is totally still, all eyes fixed on Jim’s exposed stomach where his shirt has ridden up. Jim’s eyes widen in terror.

In the background, another caribou is being felled.

The moment breaks and Jim is screaming “Stop! No! Please!” and McCoy and Spock are tickle attacking his stomach and he’s laughing out of control and crying “AGHH! Stop! I’ll do anything! STOP!”

“Anything Captain?” says Spock not ceasing the tickle.

“YES! Fuck you! You can have your—AGHH!—micro—AGHH!—scopes!” McCoy and Spock look at each other, and as if by an unspoken agreement, let Jim up. Jim staggers to his feet and jerks himself leerily behind the couch and towards the door.

“I’m never watching Planet Earth with you again!” Jim says as he wipes away tears from his eyes. “And I was lying about those microscopes!” He yells over his shoulder as he runs out the door.

The room is silent save for the sound of Planet Earth continuing to play as Spock and McCoy look at each other. Slowly, a smile spreads across McCoy’s face.

“Good work Spock. I really was starting to think it wouldn't work when he withstood the bickering,” McCoy says as he sits down hard on the sofa rubbing his hands together.

“As I maintained from the beginning, physical stimulus is usually a necessary inducement in Jim’s case. He is most obstinate in his desire to engage socially with two people as incompatible as you and I. Why the Captain ever believed this would work is beyond my comprehension. His attitude towards the caribou is clear proof that he is unhinged,” Spock says loftily as he sits back on the couch.

As the two continue to mock Jim’s foolishness for not recognizing their obvious unsuitability as friends, unconsciously, they both settle back on the couch to finish the episode.

From where he’s listening in his and Spock’s shared bathroom, Jim covers his mouth to muffle a laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *A pheromone enhancing drug featured in a TOS episode.
> 
> The wolf chasing the caribou is a real Planet Earth scene. It's not for the meek, so only watch if you have the heart and the gumption.
> 
> This is the first story I've ever published. All responses will send me over the moon.
> 
> You can check me out on tumblr [here](https://wingittofreedom.tumblr.com) (my blog is an alter to Kirk/Spock).


	2. Fanart by my #1 fan

(yes, my number one fan is me, thanks).


End file.
